happiness

"When it rains it pours" -- This is a quote people usually use to describe how their life has gone downhill and every aspect is just following into the ground. Well, I was one of those people who only used this quote for negativity. That is -- until now!!!

Every aspect of my life has started to turn around.

1. Job situation: After hitting almost depression over not being able to find a job. About 45 unanswered resumes later, I have two prospects. Anthropologie has invited me to an interview when I get back to NYC -- as well as Kenneth Cole has reopened up for me. I will give more details on this after interviews and conversations because I do not want to divulge just yet.

2. Lifestyle: I have made a new group of friends, who are great people and really bring out the best in me. I am also believe I am changing for the better. I am not letting things that I cannot control, take over my life - and have actually put them out of my mind - which is why I have been able to start changing - growing up! Even party wise - I am more conscience of what I am doing and try to stay away from that "do whatever I want, don't give a fuck" mentality.

3. Dating: This is a derivative of the #2. Because my mentality has changed, I am looking for different characteristics when it comes to those I will choose to go on a date with. For example, I was at a party two nights ago. It was definitely a rager - but that is besides the point. I had guys coming up to me left and right. I met them, held conversations with them, but none were really interesting me. Which is fine -- by no means am I trying to settle down. This is my time to figure out what it is I want out of a guy. (as said in a previous post) I actually had one guy come up to me, get right in my face and say "kiss me." Really? , but about 3 other times he came up to me with the same type of lines. Well let's just say he definitely did not get any kiss from me and he got an ear full. But I have to say, he was attractive!! It's just, I am 25 now. I don't need act like I am 19, because if I was 19, unfortunately I do not think I would have felt as strongly against it - cuz all i was worried about was partying my ass off.

However, putting all the douche bags, from that party, aside - I met one really great guy. The conversation was easy, interesting, and it felt right - nothing was forced. He was a gentleman and extremely attractive. We've planned to go on a date while I am in town - and I am really excited. My first date in almost 2 years!!

There is no need for me to rush into something or settle down. I just want to have a good time, with some great company - and when "that" feeling comes along - it comes along- but I refuse to look and fight for it. I see and know so many people who HAVE to find that love, and they need it now. It's awful, because love is NOT forced. I feel sorry for those people because it is inevitable that they will end up unhappy. However, I digress - it is not my position to worry about others and how they treat love in their own life. It's all about me! For once - I am concerned about only me and getting to my best possible self.

Love comes when you least expect it and when it's the right person at the right time.

Enjoy the quote!!

"Your heart is the most powerful organ in your body. It owns both, your deepest of feelings and your actual life." - Me

..I'm just sayin..

hospital blues

As many know, I came home to NoVA for a couple weeks to help take care of my Mom during her recovery. She had a pretty intense surgery that lasted 4 hours. After that, she was in the recovery room for a little over an hour and a half. Luckily, they hospital put my Mom in a single room, where she was able to be the whole duration of her stay at the hospital. The surgeon had told us that my Mom would be in the hospital until Friday - Surprisingly enough, she was discharged Thursday evening, the next day after her surgery. Everyone at the hospital was shocked at how fast my mom was able to start recovering- although, this is just the beginning, she has a long road to complete recovery and is under strict orders for the next 6 -8 weeks.

It is amazing to see how high my Mom's tolerance for pain is. She had three children - all natural childbirth - no pain medication. She was in labor for 19 hours with her first child, my oldest brother, Michael. It amazes me!!! If I get a paper cut it's like I got stabbed.

Anyways, my Dad and I are taking great care of my Mom and she is loving having me home!!! Of course, I'm love being here -- I miss suburbia from time to time.

Enjoy the quote!!

"Strength comes from with in, it has to do with your entity of mind, body, and soul." - Me

..I'm just sayin..

grateful

Well - It has happened…I have slacked on my blog. To those who are still reading - I apologize and I hope I have not lost your eyes and mind completely at this point. I had an awful cold with a fever and all. My brother and I actually shared the same sickness. It was not fun!

Excuses aside - what a rough day today. I will preface this by saying - Please be grateful and thankful for the life you were given because others are not as fortunate as you may be. I know this may seem like such an easy concept, but sometimes we are so caught up in our own lives and personal "dramas" (which really - how often do we make a bigger deal of something than it actually is? - I can say, I am extremely guilty of that.) that we forget about how great we really may have it.

My brother, Matt and I went to the hospital in Elmhurst to refill a prescription of his - because he does not have medical insurance he needs to take extra steps and go further to get his medication than the average bear. His doctor can't see him for a couple weeks-his medication ends in 2 days- this was the only option for him. I decided to go with him because, first, he was told "be prepared to wait all day." Second, and more importantly, I know that if roles were reversed, he would come with me in a heartbeat - without me even asking if he would mind.

I am not one for hospitals - I know I am not alone and it would be far fetched to say many if any enjoy being at a hospital. I actually freak out a bit and get extremely uncomfortable. I am the type of person, where, if I am not comfortable some where, I practically turn into a turtle and hide in a shell. To make matters even worse we had to go to the psychiatric emergency room for the medication. Walking it was different for me because its under 2 doors of lock and key and before you can make it into the second door the patient needs to take off their shoes, belts, and give all of their belongings away. It seems over the top and way to cautious for someone who just needs a prescription, but I started to understand very quickly that this was going to be nothing of a normal experience. One of the doctors told me this was nothing and in Long Island and some other places you actually have to take off all of your clothes and sit and wait in a gown - I was shocked beyond belief and singing praises that I wouldn't have to see my brother go through that - again just for a prescription.

So we finally get through the second locked door and that's when nothing was normal anymore. The waiting room is actually the same room that the psychiatric patients, who stay overnight and for days, lounge and watch TV. Not two minutes after we get in there - this lady starts coming over and yelling at me. This ended up continuing the whole duration of our stay at this place - FOUR HOURS. The lady, named Olga, had to be yelled at numerous times by the staff workers to leave me and my brother alone. Another guy who was a patient would walk over to me, stare at me, and then go back to his seat - this happened quite a few times as well. Olga and this other woman's pants kept falling down and the men would yell at them to pick their pants up. I overheard one of the patients say that in the morning the other lady actually came out completely naked. I tried the whole time not to make eye contact and just stared at the TV and talked to Matt the whole time. Not because I was, so much, scared - but because I was uncomfortable and knew that eye contact could possibly trigger more of a reaction from the patients.

It was painful to be there and watch these people go about, what has become, their daily lives. Being there for four hours did not help the situation - have you ever been antsy to the point it drives you crazy -- imagine it lasting for that long.

I have to give Matt so much credit because he did not complain once. I was at the point of no return and he was just cool as a cucumber waiting for the doctor. It wasn't until we left that he said how terrible the experience was for him as well.

I think what was hardest about the situation Matt and I were in, was having to sit there for that long in extremely close quarters with these people and not be able to do something - anything. You wish you could somehow help, but you just can't. There is absolutely nothing you can do to either change the situation or make it better.

Today was an extremely humbling and life changing experience. This is a day that I, and I think I can safely say, my brother will never forget for as long as we are alive. I am blessed to have people in my life who care about me and that I could count on to help and take care of me in whatever situation God hands me. Unfortunately, not every person has that and not every person was given a healthy life, and some do not value their life enough to keep themselves healthy and out of trouble.

Please vow to let those you love and who are close to you know that you are there for them. It really is true that it is the little things that count. A simple hug, a smile, asking how someone's day was, or just lending an ear can change someones mood, day, or life.

Enjoy the quote!

"Don't ever pass up a chance to tell someone how you feel. Your feelings are never anything to be ashamed of and time is something you can never get back." - Me

…I'm just sayin..

i should take a kick boxing class

Have you ever been someone's punching bag? You decide you want to be there for someone and try to commit to a friendship - but because they know you so well they feel that they can just take everything out on you, more aggressively than they would any of their other friends?

I know some people in my life have felt like this with me. For me, it is easiest to show my true emotions and feelings to my family. So they somehow tend to see the ugliest side of my aggression when I am upset or frustrated. This goes for significant others as well.

I guess I didn't see the full effect until someone had turned around and made me that person in their life. How long do you stick around until you're fed up? With family - you love unconditionally - so you take the good with the bad and help them to try and see their faults. With friends - do you cut your losses? Especially when you try to let them see what they are doing - but they can only see it in a completely different view and not where you're coming from?

Any help with this (or responses) would greatly be appreciated!

Enjoy the quote!

"When it comes to caring about someone it's important to comprehend all aspects of their being. If after all that they're not as beautiful as you once perceived, it's in your best interest not to stick around." - Me

..I'm just sayin..

Dallas will lose today's game!

Last night was so much fun. One of my brothers, Matt, bought me a ticket to the Sabres/Islanders game for my birthday. We went with our brother, Mike, and 3 of his friends. I'll start by saying, our seats were AMAZING!!! If I lived in Buffalo and was able to purchase season tickets, I would find seats like ours in their arena and call it a day. Understandably, we were surrounded by Islander fans. We all predicted, on the way there, that there would be a significant number of Sabres fan - yep, we were wrong. However, it is a great feeling to go 6 deep in Sabres gear and be a loud crew! I have to say, we definitely made our presence known.

Matt and I went down to the glass to watch the Sabres warm-up. Mainly because I wanted to see all the good looking players up close. So, in the middle of warm ups, here comes a puck between the glass and the net. It hit the security guard right in the back, he picks it up……….and………….GAVE IT TO ME!!! At first I felt a bad because little kids were running up to get it. I quickly recovered because they weren't Sabres fans!!! Why would you want a practice puck from a team you don't like. I feel they would have told their friends that it was an Islanders puck and we just can't have that false representation of the truth! I may have saved these kids from their first lie! But I digress…

Unfortunately, the Sabres ended up losing in a shoot out that went about 7 rounds. It was a huge bummer, but at least we gained a point! The most surprising factor, was we did not get an Islanders fans talking smack to us as we left the arena. I was very impressed!

What a fun night!!

Enjoy the quote!

"Truly great experiences occur when you open yourself to all the possibilities that a day could provide you with." - Me

…I'm just sayin...

Now the party don't stop...

I woke up at 11:30 this morning. I have to admit I definitely would not have if I didn't receive a text from my Mom, but all the same - I am up and ready to start my day!! I'll finally have time for the Bank, Shopping, PARTY!!!

Anyways...not really too much to write about today. Job search is still at a screeching halt - but I continue to venture forward and not give up. That's where my confusion lies with this blog. I said I would write every day, but I don't want to bore those couple people who may actually read this with "fillers." There are just those days that nothing eventful seems to happen. I recall a quote from a movie I recently watched, 500 Days of Summer (pretty good by the way) :

"Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin, and they end, with no lasting memories made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life."

Now, I can honestly say I don't believe in this quote using "most" - but I can definitely agree with some. There are also some days where you look back and think - "Wow, nothing positive came out of this day." I, myself, live for those perfect little days that come few and far between...

Enjoy the quote!

"Don't forget those few amazing days that come in between the good, the bad, and the could do with out - they make it all worth while." - Me

...I'm just sayin...

reality

I can feel a sense of depression in me. Graduating from college is not all it's cracked up to be. It took me a grueling 7 1/2 years to finish, 2 years of hell being an RA so that my parents could afford my college tuition and I could stay at my expensive school. Conquering a learning disability with no extra help or medicine. How many people in this world can honestly say they have a B.B.A. in Visual Merchandising --- you would be correct if you answered "NOT MANY AT ALL." But I have been searching high and low for a Visual Merchandising job here in NYC. So many of my resumes have been sent out, that I cannot even count. I've even got to the point where I have applied for jobs back home in the DC area - because that is the closest place to home that Visual Merchandising would be the most important.

It's awful - I always figured, I would graduate and poof! There is a fabulous job at an amazing fashion house just waiting for me. It's not that easy kids. Wouldn't that make my parents proud? Thanks for getting me through college and my first apartment, but I'd like to come back and crash at your pad. I know it can't happen, because that is the easy way out -- and those who know me can say, I have never been one to take the easy way out of any situation. I am a fighter, and it took a conversation with my Mom tonight to make me remember that.

I will be honest, as embarrassing as it seems to me, most of the days since I graduated I would wake up, lay on the couch, cry - feel sorry for myself, eat dinner, watch more tv, then go to bed. I'm not doing it anymore. That's not me, and I have to snap out of it.

So the next step. Go shopping, hang out with others more, and get myself out there in the NYC social life. I'm even planning a couple trips to see old friends- which I am really excited about. I'm realizing, most people would kill for this down time I have right now. Although it is frustrating for me, I know it's going to pick up. I only know this after that said phone call with my Mom. What would we do without our parents...honestly?? I urge everyone to take some time out, anything that is bothering you - get it off your chest. Try it out on your parents. I can tell you, that you are going to get some positive reenforcement and some great advice.

Enjoy the quote!

"Enjoy where you're at in life. You won't always be there. Whether it's good or bad; it's never permanent." - Me

...I'm just saying..

a promise, is a promise

So, I promised I would write every night and I continue to keep it. It's only been a week, I can't already start to slack. Especially since, really what else do I have to be doing??

I haven't been able to sleep lately. It is awful, I go to bed around 5am and sleep until 3pm or so. This can't continue to happen. I am starting to become nocturnal, and that is not a normal or natural human characteristic trait. I don't even remember how I started this unruly process. That's a lie, I do - those nights where you have thoughts bouncing around your head, and they won't stop, and grow into thoughts of other crap that you think may be going on. The stuff that your brain is thinking up all on it's own, which takes any thought to a whole new unrealistic level.

I wish there was a switch. When you are ready to sleep, you flip it and viola!- thoughts racing through your head commence and sleep prevails.

Enjoy the quote!

"I can't help but blame my head for all of my heart's mistakes. For my heart is vulnerable and only knows of which it feels. It's my head that confuses those feelings with it's thoughts of the way I think something should be" - Me

...I'm just sayin...

Birthday

Well, today I am officially 25 years old. Every year the same question always seems to be asked. "Do you feel any different/older?" My answer is always "no." It seems simple but I will reiterate the obvious just in case. It is not the day or the age that makes you feel different. It's not a snap of a finger and all of a sudden you are more mature, or you have a few more grey hairs. Maturity comes with experiences, how you react to them, how you bounce back from them, and most importantly what you learn. That grey hair comes with stress - that I am certain of!!!!

I am celebrating my day of birth with a few groups of people (family and friends) on a few different days as well as in a few different ways. I think this is the first year, however, that I have not made a huge production, with an elaborate Birthday celebration. Maybe I'll do that again when I turn 30.

Enjoy the quote!

"Maturity defines the person we have become, how far our conscience has taken us, but most importantly how far we intend to go." - Me

...I'm just sayin...

thank goodness for family

My parents came into town today, from Northern Virginia, to celebrate my Birthday. I will be turning 25 on Monday, January 11th. My brother, sister in law, and nephew also came over. Oh and of course, my roommate, and brother, Matt. It was a fun time. Mom made her famous buffalo wings -- came into town with her deep fryer, gallon of oil, and anchor bar sauce in hand. Dad made sure our wine glasses were always full and made martinis towards the end of the night. I was surprised with a cake and still have no clue how they snuck out to get it!!

The best part of the night, however, had to be playing Partini. If you've never heard of this game - educate yourself. If you don't own it - find your nearest Target and buy it!! It is a challenging, yet fabulous game!

It is, also, always great to be able to get together with the whole family. It seems to sometimes be so fast paced here, which makes it extra special to get a little break. There is a sense of security, especially when living in, what can sometimes be called, "the chaos of NYC".

My family seems to be a tad concerned with my love life. They definitely give a great boost of confidence, though, and really know how to bring me back to my senses and the reality of a current situation. I had become so caught up in the past, that (for lack of a better description) I wanted to try and stay there. Not realizing that EVERYTHING had changed, even myself and the other person involved. Do I hold hatred? I try not to...Am I upset? Can't help but be. However, the reality of the situation is that I need to be honest with myself and realize that I haven't known this person for quite sometime. If a person doesn't open up to you completely, it can never last.

Reality of the situation: I've got a lot going for me. Just got a degree. Turning 25 in two days. Will soon have a career. Have a great apartment in a great area and DRUM ROLL PLEASE.... I'm going to start dating again. It's time to date. I can honestly say, I don't think I ever have just "dated." It's always been relationship or single - nothing in between. I have never really gone out with different guys- just seeing what I want, don't want, like, or dislike.

Like I told my family on New Years Eve : THIS IS GOING TO BE MY YEAR!!! and I intend on keeping that hope!

Enjoy the quote. This is something I definitely need to try and live by.

"Try not to get so caught up in the past, that you forget how to live for the future. Change can be scary - but find the strength, so that all the opportunities you are meant to have are able to reveal themselves" -Me

...I'm just sayin...

social life or bust

I went to a bar in Manhattan with some friends last night. It was obviously a good night. I know this, because I did not physically get out of my bed until this evening at 6pm, except for a glass of water here and there. Not because of a horrible hangover, because truthfully it wasn't that bad, but because my body was in pain for some reason. I recall a conversation with my Dad the last time I was in Virginia. He told me "you're not 19 anymore, when you get into your mid and late 20's your not going to be able to party like you did when you were younger. Your recovery time is not the same." Well he was right. Sure, at night, I can party with the rest of them, but the next day is a different story.

Enjoy the quote! It isn't as deep as usually-just something fun!

"Another person's perception of you is never important - unless of course they think you're amazing" - Me

..I'm just sayin..

with open eyes

Who ever said there can't be beauty in a breakdown anyway?.....

I stumbled across a musician I have never heard of before..CRAIG CARDIFF. I urge you to check him out, his words and sound are beautiful and thought provoking. I'll leave you with a nibble -

"..But sadness is just love wasted

With no little heart to place it inside.." -Craig Cardiff

"Smallest Wingless"

Enjoy the quote!

"take a step back and look at the situation. Is it what you imagined? If not, fix it. You have that power, even when you think you don't -- and maybe, just maybe something more beautiful will reveal itself." - Me

..I'm just sayin..

to close a door

According to the Merriam- Webster dictionary, the definition of CLOSURE is an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality ; also : something (as a satisfying ending) that provides such a sense.

"take down the pictures, erase the memories...but you will only realize it caused you to endure more pain; because it was at that exact moment, in which, you finally set me free." - Me

"Don't hold angst against closure, for it allows a clean break and the power to venture forward with the future" -Me

..I'm just sayin..

Couldn't sleep

Well, it's Christmas come early folks!!

I woke up at 6:50am with a splitting headache that had now made a home in my brain for the last 24 hours. Just AWFUL!! I took so Excedrin Migraine and tried to get back to bed. Then, that thing happened --- dreaded thoughts start running through my head a mile a minute and I can't fall asleep for the life of me. So, I grabbed my phone which is always conveniently placed right next to me when I sleep; opened the notepad; and started thumbing away.

You guessed it, these thoughts somehow coherently came together into a montage of, what I would like to think, are beautiful words.

Enjoy the Quote!

..The hardest part of letting go is realizing that you will inevitably be replaced. In the future, you will become a distant memory to someone who used to make you their priority. Unfortunately, that is the reality.. -Me

..I'm just sayin..

Sometimes Ignorance is Bliss

This is the quote I talked about in my "why the blog."

Have you ever had a person in your life for so long, that you think they will never leave? Then one day, poof!! adios in the cruelest of manners! Welcome to my day.

While at the brink of a melt down something grasped a hold of me and brought me to my senses. My thought process was then consumed by reality. If he wants absolutely nothing to do with me, and would rather ignore me than create closure, why am I going to allow it to overtake my next days? NO THANK YOU...let the healing process begin and commence!

Enjoy tonight's quote!

"one of the greatest gifts in life is the healing process..it may happen at the speed of light or it may happen slower than one would hope, but in the end the realization of that single fact can truly set one free and provide the power to move on and be open to embrace whatever life may have in store next" -Me

..I'm just sayin..

Why a Blog?

Welcome to Cracker Jack Dreams!

Let me preface this Blog by saying I just received a B.B.A in Visual Merchandising. The Job Search is going horribly, and I have always loved to write, but never pursued it. I don't have amazing travel stories, or a horrific life that people need to feel sorry for me. I have lived a fortunate life for a couple shy days of 25 years I have been alive. These are my own words and my real life experiences. This is just something to pass the time while wait for a company to realize my potential and take a chance on me!

Enjoy!

The only way I know how to express my feelings is through others quotes. Whether they be song quotes or quotes by other people. Somehow reading quotes makes me feel better. It probably is because each time I read one I realize, "wow, I'm not alone. Someone else has been in my shoes and made it out alive."

I have all these thoughts constantly wandering around my head. If you ask anyone who knows me, they will tell you I am not an emotional person. It is those few that have taken the time to get to know the real me that understand I am the person in their life who is consumed by the most emotion. I just have a hard time showing it.

It wasn't until a split second ago that I decided to start a blog to share my thoughts with those who are interested. Why? You may ask. It is as simple as a little thing called Facebook. Some of you may have heard of it?? While changing my status, (which if you ask any of my friends, is yes always a quote. and if you ask my oldest brother, its always stupid nonsense) I stumbled across a prophecy. My own prophecy, in my own words. Minutes after posted, I received numerous comments and pushes of the "like" button. But this was only the beginning of what made me decide to start this blog. It was one post in particular from a friend. "You don't understand how much I needed this right now. It's so true and it's a beautiful quote." Done! My personal quote and personal feelings, hit close to someone else's home. What other people's quotes had been doing for me for years!

Each night, of each day, (I am hoping this isn't like a pact I make with myself to lose weight and I can manage to commit this time) I will give a brief explanation of what caused the inspiration for the quote I wrote that night.

If no one reads this, I won't be surprised. But, if not for anything else, it is an outlet for my own thoughts, my own fears, and my own realities.

I wish you the simplicity of Cracker Jack Dreams,

Jennifer